Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
