I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
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