I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
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My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
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We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize