My boss' voice literally gives me gas
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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