My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
