I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
