Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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