I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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