I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
