Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
