I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
