Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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