oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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