My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
