you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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