It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
