i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
