Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Holy sore nipples Batman
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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