I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
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On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
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And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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