My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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