And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
