Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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