God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
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at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
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I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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