I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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