i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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