why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm at about main and main street
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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