i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
A bitchslap is in order.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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