I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
