Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
