So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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