Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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