Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
