I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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