I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
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I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
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apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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