Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
