he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
