Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
