new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
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