i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
