You're so nebulous sometimes
even my farts smell like vagina
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
