Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
We left an ass print on the piano.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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