Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
