Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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