i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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