Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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