:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
