Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
