After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
