We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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