I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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