Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
