I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
