I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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