This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Found the puke drawer
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
