Umm I'm too high to move.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
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